Part VIII: Imprisonment

To an extent, it had gradually diminished.

Those ripples that had magnified in size over time, breaking thresholds and stretching the very fabric of his resolve. At times inconspicuous, he had always wondered if its absence meant that things had changed, that the fire no longer burned.. and that the shadow he casted finally conformed.

But there it was, the focal point being to flatline to a halt. To reach a state of equilibrium with an assiduity he had never reached nor attempted before.

It had always been borderline maddening to possess, like a broken cog impairing his capacity to rationalize, and liquidating his ability to reason. This primordial impairment had inspired deplorable sequences of events throughout the course of life, forcing him to live in the shadows, away from the routinary lives of other people and invalidating his subconscious demands to conform.

To be nondescript.

To be normal.

But he remains confined, living in self-deceit to validate his life and discard his deviation.

I am but a prisoner of my mind.

Part VII: Disillusionment

I awoke with the very same line of thoughts I had the previous morning.

Except this time, something had changed.

Something... was different. I had awoken to something else. Someplace else. It had never crossed my mind that I had done enough to merit change, and thus the somewhat rude awakening. The experience was surreal, like hope. It was downright entrancing, but irresolute.

The amalgamation formed into a solid, impactful blow that threw me off my senses and ability to reason. Ambiguous, but rigid. An emotional rush in all its unadulterated, harrowing form.

It defeated its very purpose.

I sighed, a cathartic release.

I will not be subjugated to this disillusionment.

Part VI: Connivance

I thought it was always strange the way they looked at me.

 

Their glassy and their cold and unyielding eyes... it’s as if... as if it was planned all along.

 

I walk the crowded streets and through an ocean of people going about their daily lives. And I see... I see nothing.

 

Nothingness.

 

It’s as if I was caught in between, almost as if I was living two different worlds at the same time. The plurality is uncanny, like an underhanded agreement unbeknownst to me. A surreptitious affair between variables from opposite ends of the spectrum. A manifestation of an abnormality in perception. A palpable sense of confusion or uncertainty - it didn’t really matter.

 

Because what really matters is how I cope with it. What matters is how I tread both paths with an almost forced feeling of certainty, whilst trudging with prudence and denied circumspection. I am forced to believe what is unreal. Coerced to accept what society feeds me. Constrained to see through the window that they had made for me. Compelled to consume the malevolence of the world, and exude the same cold and unyielding facade that their connivance had masterfully orchestrated.

 

I walk the crowded streets and through an ocean of people going about their daily lives.

 

The nothingness... the nothingness flourishes.

 

 

Part V: Assertion

Tell me your story.

 

Just like how a new born child lies beside a blank canvas, waiting to write his - tell me your story. 

 

Tell me how each line is drawn. Or rather why. Tell me the stories of geometrical lines, and how they came to pass. Tell me the legends of the organic lines scribbled on your canvas, and how it had shaped your today.

 

I will listen intently as you tell me the fables of the splashes of dried ink on the white space near the borders, and why they came to be.

 

I will listen.

 

I will listen because I want to paint the perfect picture. Because I want mine to be adored by countless people who will be amazed at the sight of such a masterpiece. At such intricate lines that lead to an eternity of stories that will someday be heard over bonfires and fireplaces.

 

I will listen.

 

I will listen as my canvas sits beside me, my hands clutching my paintbrush in utter anxiety.

 

Because I was always hesitant. Calculating. Unsure. Lost. Yes, from time to time I would be lost. It was like I stood in the midst of nowhere and I couldn’t see through the mist. The silence, in its resounding reverberation, would almost always drive me mad.

 

Tell me your story, I plead. That I may write of countless stories that will shape my being.

 

And I will listen.

 

I will listen as I stare blankly at the empty canvas beside me.

 

 

Part IV: Perseveration

Repetition.

 

My mechanical body just kept going and going, madly driven by two 16 oz Monster cans and 7 cups of coffee. 

 

My mind has gone numb, but my body is fighting it. Constantly in repeat mode I rummage through task lists and forgotten Post-It notes in my shriveled black backpack. In exaggerated obsession my reddened eyes went through each scribble on my 200-page black notebook. Anything for a quick fix. Anything to satisfy the world.

 

I sat at the edge of my bed, and I ponder what’s left of life.

 

Is this life?

 

Is this my calling? My destiny? My fate?

 

I lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling, body parts aching and nursing a migraine. I scan the ceiling from corner to corner in constant repetition.

 

Constant repetition.

 

Repetition.

 

That had been the summary of the life I had lived. Repetition. It didn’t matter if it was pointless, if it was futile, if it was all in vain.

 

It’s all I have. And repetition seems to be the only feasible answer.

 

I will close my eyes and wake up in 2 hours. I will bid the numbness temporarily and wake up to...

Part III: Submersion

It was cold. Just like death.

 

I could feel the numbing sensation travel through my body until... until I couldn’t feel it anymore. It was as if I suddenly let everything go. My mind. My body. And whatever was left of my soul.

 

It was like a reawakening. Like redemption. Salvation.

 

The clock. The clock had stopped ticking. The cries. The cries have faded.

 

I had been reborn.

 

Credits: Matthieu Dupont

 

Part II: Cognizance

Once I was innocent. 

 

Time had withered Life as I knew it, breaking down and shattering illusions we always thought was real.. we always thought was the truth.

 

And there they lay, lying on the ground as broken pieces that were left unclaimed. Everything that the world was about. Everything we were taught. Everything we knew. Everything that was... to us... absolute truth.

 

I picked them up, piece by piece, clutching them towards my chest. Every little piece on top of each other, like split wooden fractions awaiting to be expunged.

 

The irony was confounding. Contemplation and introversion became requisite.

 

I can now hear them scream. Like children in a state of fear within an inescapable nightmare. They cry out for sympathy, with deceit and lies concealed behind colorful masks.

 

But it was too late. The walls had spoken and my eyes laid bare through the veil of ignorance that had opaquely shrouded the innocence.

 

I hear the seemingly distant cries of the world as if they were right beside me. I feel the pangs of agony and grief. I see the sorrow in their eyes - those glassy eyes that symbolized the suffering, torment and anguish that they had remained in for all their existence. I can almost taste the blood and sweat that the wind carried, brought upon the world by man’s seemingly consummate and insatiable appetite for power and greed.

 

The world had fallen.

Part I: Entrapment

And while the world suffers, from the distortions of humanity and their augmented imaginations fueled by greed and corruption and amplified egocentricity, I lie in my slumber. 
 

Waiting for the next call as a meaningless, minute cog in the machine that fuels this suffering.

 
I awake, only to serve the world and its demand for… me. 

For every bit of my life. For every second of my breath. For every ounce of strength I can supplicate.

And in its proliferation you realize that you have not gained anything… but have lost everything.

You have achieved… and failed.

You have become meaningless. I have become meaningless.

I have become an insignificant element of life.

We bask in the memories that we claim we have had, but altogether have not seen how the world has manipulated us. How it has led us. How it has created us into what we are.

For we have not seen the world in their eyes, nor the case they represent. Blinded by the simulated world we live in we grope aimlessly towards what we call our goals. Towards what we know as real. Towards what we understand to be true. 
 

Time has stopped. 

I return to the world once more.

 

"Free"

Faith and Forgiveness; intertwined
memories of love that left us blind
Blind of seeing reason beyond imagination
no boundaries... perception... cessation.

Memories that bound our soul in the past
to forever be burdened with pains that last
all for the sake of feeling Love,
love that fled like an evanescent dove.

Why question love and its existence,
when you can surrender to its persistence?
Why draw borders with a rigid heart,
when you can love... and not be torn apart.

Why do memories of you linger on?
Why does your scent remain even when you've gone?
Why do I allow myself to be shattered?
Because I loved you; and that was all that mattered.

Even when I walked the crossroads of Fate,
even when I refused love and gave way to Hate.
You were a broken part of me... and I know you will always be,
and knowing that is the only way my heart can ever be free.


written by Seth Rinoza [14th of July 2011/02:03/Phnom Penh]

Untitled

Often times I wonder where I really am...
for I am helpless; like a languid door pounded by a battering ram.

Pondering confusion and uncertainty, I am lost...
but I still manage to go on, even when unsure of its cost.

Sometimes the heart overshadows the mind...
for what can sanity do when the heart so unequivocally confides?


written by Seth Rinoza [16th of May 2011/21:09/Phnom Penh]

"Even Through Death"

And when the broken pieces finally seemed to fit,
where complimentary fragments were consonant;
you took away everything that was left in me... all of it
my faith, my hope... my love. Withdrawn and recant.

For faith and love are two different things
and the latter may or may not have been unreal;
And when raw emotions hang from lacerated strings,
then pain is masked but inevitable... soon to be revealed.

And so it was... as pangs of pain egressed;
and the unrest in my heart was replaced with desolation...
Just as a wanderer would set forth on a quest
only to find that the world had faded... and he was in isolation.

Tears and remorse are scant as the adversity transpires,
where only death can evince the magnitude of this pain;
For who could possibly save a broken soul burning in fire
when the affinity of love is eradicated... and my heart is slain?

And even if you're gone, and shattered hopes are lost...
and even if I might never mend and breathe my last breath;
I will take your love with me no matter what the cost
even through my utter and impending death.


written by Seth Rinoza [11th of March 2011/16:10/Phnom Penh]

"The Death Bringer"

Search deep within the cold confines of my heart
grim and dark, a lifeless part
You shall see hate... and the chaos it brings
like demonic angels who fly with demonic wings.

I walk in the valley of death in my sleep
passing by lost souls who burn while weep
And as I bring destruction and end to life
I make joy and happiness synonymous to strife.

For I am the death-bringer; the one who reaps
lost souls on earth, and the creatures of the deep
I am the end of everything, the Omega Lord
carrying my Shield of Hate and a brandished sword.

I shall eradicate everything that goes my path
I shall destroy everything I see with my wrath
I shall feed from your soul and cast it in fire
while the sound of death is played with my lyre.

And when everything has ended I shall reign supreme
And that's when I shall wake up from my dream
that I was the Death-Bringer who ended life
with my Shield of Hate and my astute knife.


written by Seth Rinoza [6th of February 2011/1156/Phnom Penh]

"Repossession"

On a night such as this, where raw emotions are brought to life;
conjured scenes of life fade away like a rusting knife.
It fades away like water evaporated by the sun
Where broken fractions of hearts are reduced to one.

It delves into your soul like opaque drapes absorbing light
It cleanses your being with remorse like a coveted kite taking flight.
And just when you thought you had finally seen the light,
you are repossessed by the vile and malevolent night.


written by Seth Rinoza 7th of February 2011/0136/Phnom Penh

'Reason'

Gently reason with me... for I am but an avid listener;
define the borders of being content and embittered.

For confusion lacks the arrangement of explanations;
the ubiquitous mist in the everglades in your imagination.

For the words you speak shall be my solitary cure
to the infirmity of a soul that shall be forever endured.


written by Seth Rinoza [8th of February 2011/2253/Phnom Penh]

In response to the Khmer-Thai conflict.

Bless their hearts and eradicate hate, I implore
For a war between nations will never be the door
Help them find peace, and guide their confused ways
So that we may live peacefully for the rest of our days.

Why destroy when we can all thrive together?
Why start wars if we can have peace forever?
Why take lives for the mere gain of power?
Can harvest be gained from a wilting flower?

Will a piece of land justify lives of countless men?
If nations have laws, then why even attempt to bend?
Do you not fear for the future of your children, the land they will inherit?
Why do countries fight over land and create borders, when they can share it?

Is conflict resolved by living in rage and hate?
Do our people not at all have a better Fate?
We are all brothers, you and I
why does one of ours have to suffer and die?

And so I call forth my Asian brothers to cease
The fighting that has surely and steadily increased
Help make your children's future brighter than the sun
by loving each other... and gaining respect without a gun.


written by Seth Rinoza in response to the Khmer-Thai conflict [10th of February/0839/Phnom Penh]

'Untitled'

Like as if you were blind, you couldn't see;
what little words like that would mean to me
As if you were numb... immune from emotions
like a praying priest who lacked faith and devotion.

Like as if stars were aligning and the world was waiting
while you were underneath sheets and deeply sleeping
Like as if roses were factually red and you disagreed
or if you debated a need is a want... and a want is a need.

You may utterly lose faith, through assumptions, with the words I say
but soon you shall see the difference in my words of black and gray
that I speak from the heart, and my heart is often dark
until the day you came and emitted a familiar spark.

A spark denied so long it has taken its toll;
being incomplete then suddenly being whole
I pray, deny it again to tear it apart
to prove that I neither own a soul or heart.


written by Seth Rinoza [15th of February 2011/2333/Phnom Penh]

'At First Sight'

In the midst of the crowd, I saw your face;
time stood still... and my heart began to race.
Your eyes were like those of an eagle's.. subtle but fierce
with shoulders like that of a majestic alpha deers'.


Love at first sight... was that what it was?
A surge of emotion likened to the wind and gust?
All I know is that my love for you will hold forever true
and my life is incompletely incomplete... without you.


written by Seth Rinoza on the 5th of February 2011/11:59 PPST/Phnom Penh

A short poem

Delve deep into my heart and you will see
a heart so cold it petrifies the soul in me
Hardened by time and by its ancient past
the pyramid of animosity and the shadow it casts.

written by Seth Rinoza 4th of November 2010/21:00 PPST/Phnom Penh

'Fate Mocks Me Like a House Built on Sand'

There were times in my life when it all revolved so slow
frozen panes of memories that didn't seem to want to go
like memories of you and the love we shared
and losing you just like that was more than I could ever bare.

Random thoughts fill my head in drops of rain
all the sufferings, hardships, perseverance and pain
Dark memories of a dark past emerge from within
one that's embedded in my soul... concealed... unseen.

Fate mocks me like a house built on sand
reminiscent of people I've lost... slipping out of my hands
Revealing images of what I had and lost
making me feel the pain of its wrath and cost.

And once again, as I lay my soul to rest
I know I'll wake up again to face tomorrow's test
And live by the paths that were drawn for me
carved out of sheer anguish, torture and misery.


written by Seth Rinoza 1st of November 2010/10:59 PPST/Phnom Penh

'The Prayer'

Lull the rage within the cold confines of my heart
Control the hate that lashes out and tear it apart
Pray, give me the strength to steer rightfully forward
so that I may rest in peace... my faith unscarred.

written on the 30th of September 2010/00:11 PPST/Phnom Penh

'Your Voice'

The night grows deep and silence is immeasurable;
a consummate skill, repelling inexorable noise
My eyes slowly falter, my lashes fold and coddled
I wish I would wake up to the sound of your voice.

written on the 29th of September 2010/00:49 PPST/Phnom Penh

'Incandescent'

In constant motion, frozen panes come to life...
and I see your face unfold from the haze I was in;
Unraveling before my eyes were memories of you,
a reverie of constant longing... a resounding din.

Torn between the morsels of the past
and the monotonous fear within my being,
I was petrified... I did what my heart had forbid;
and I let go of you like a kite on a string.

I see you each night in my dreams
as I strive to stay awake in fear...
the fear of regret, and its shattering response
was too usurious for me to acknowledge and hear.

I pray for the day that fragments of you
would fade in eventual evanescence;
Though my heart will forever burn for you...
in sheer and utter incandescence.

written on the 18th of July 2010/23:00 PPST/Phnom Penh

'Love Beyond Compare'

Who would've thought life would be this way?
That after all these years our love would be unfrayed?
That God will bless us with a love so true?
That weaknesses will be eradicated by the love I drew from you?

You are the source of my strength, the epitome of love;
the epiphany of our oneness with the God from above.
You are the foundation of my fleeting sanity,
the doors that seemed to lead away from actual reality.

Our sacred union was meant to be our guiding light
to prevent love from furtively taking its improbable and viable flight...
Our love bore fruits, and it made us even stronger
It gave meaning to my life, for then our love would not be forever.. but longer.

And as I grow older I see our love mature
it's transformed to a disease without a possible cure
I will forever cherish the love we share; incomparable to the wind and its gust
Until the day we breathe our last... to meet our Father who created us.

written on the 20th of July 2010/14:17 PPST/Phnom Penh

'From Above'

There was just never enough of seeing your smile,
It made all my days and nights worthwhile
The way you laugh, and that almost sinister sneer;
how you'd easily get red with just a bottle of beer.

I remember the day that we actually first met
It was like it was planned by Fate... everything was set
It was a gift to keep me from being broken-hearted,
It was like a love story that happily ended as soon as it started.

Days went on and you told me you'd leave
I felt like a kid without a gift on Christmas Eve
I was torn to pieces from deep inside
but all these things I had continued to try to hide.

And then, as the dreaded day drew near
I was covered in sorrow, I was covered in fear
"I would be lost without you" I thought
along with other fears I continuously fought.

The day you left was the saddest moment in my life
I felt that I would forever live in sorrow and strife
Tears slowly made their way to my eyes
as you started to say your last goodbyes.

As you turned your back I felt alone
it was like my heart had suddenly been turned to stone
I was crying hard from deep inside
When my brother asked me if I was alright... I lied.

Going home without knowing you're not there anymore
just made me feel worse... a feeling I never felt before
All the memories of you flashing one by one
All the laughter, the fights, the smiles, the fun.

And so here I am, patiently waiting for you to come back
you're the one missing piece that lacks
I will remain forever true to you and our love
because I believe that what we have came from up above.

written on the 19th of July 2010/23:59 PPST/Phnom Penh

'Drifting Away'

My heartbeat subsides as I see your face,
enlightened by your smile...
shedding light on the darker part of me;
scarlet dark... where I'd been for a while.

Your eyes continuously give me hope
in an effort to set me free
trapped in a world where I can never leave
for you are the one who holds the key.

I live my life to feel the way
your smile burns everything in me
as Fate deprives me of showing love;
a love you would never see.

Drifting away to that constant memory;
a never-ending spell...
A path of life that I must tread,
that I can never repel.

written on the 13th of January 2009/00:39 MST/Manila

'Illumination'

As the clouds steadily steer away from my mind,
a ray of sunshine drifts and unwinds.
My deep entrancement slowly falters,
and bliss sets in like raging waters.

And though the brief encounter abruptly ends,
the stillness of my mind continually mends.
And as the night grows deeper, a euphoric state;
Astonishing what your smile creates.

And as the light leaves and fades into the night,
I am left again... seeking for the light.

* uncertain date of composition

'In Broken Pieces'

The night grows deep, and a conversation ensues
I hang on tight; like a neck on a noose
She astounds with sheer naturality
a complicated mind, with sheer complexity.

Her smile, I imagined, like roses blooming
a contradiction of clouds within me; gloomy
Her eyes, like stars in the night
her mind; a complicated flock of birds taking flight.

The affairs of the heart, and the irreversible feelings
take over as I see them hover and sets me reeling
As I constantly see them in my deepest dreams
as she becomes a fragment of my whims.

And as I lay my soul to rest
memories rush in with no regrets
For fragments of memories come rushing in
in broken pieces I've never seen.

* uncertain date of composition

'The Stillness of the Mind'

As the clouds steadily steer away from my mind,
a ray of sunshine drifts and unwinds.

My deep entrancement slowly falters,
and bliss sets in like raging waters.

And though the brief encounter abruptly ends,
the stillness of my mind continually mends.

* uncertain date of composition

'With Just One Smile'

My eyes grew weary and my soul feigned weak...
Your smile drew vigor like a fortified creek.
Letters of an unfamiliar resonance brought forth light
creating the alteration of opaque darkness to incandescent light.

* uncertain date of composition

'In my Dreams'

The night ends with echoes inside my head
reverberating... like the voices of the dead.
And whatever it was that was left unsaid
would have to be drawn in my dreams instead.

* uncertain date of composition

'Unartistic Symmetry'

In flawed and unartistic symmetry I drew my life
painted with the colors of grief and strife
drawn by fragments of broken lead
of endless sordid memories bred.

* uncertain date of composition

'The Nearness of You'

Each time I try to not stop and pause
resistance defined... but is a futile cause.
Sanity astutely hangs on a lacerated string;
You simply continue to take away... everything.

* uncertain date of composition

'The Church'

For upon a rock a church was built
and its foundations of faith are pure and true
like a wild flower under a scorching sun; it will not wilt;
a testament to the raging storms it overthrew.

And the wind shall mercilessly beat
but the Church shall remain unfazed,
For God's promise is forever lit
by His words that we all have embraced.

For God's promise is unwavering,
just like the heat the sun endows
unlike men who fly with spurious wings
only to fall from bough to bough.

No, the Church shall not crumble
nor will it viably fall in vain
for it was built upon a rock, not a pebble
and with it our God and our Savior shall forever remain.

For the church is the body of Christ,
where He shall ultimately save
Yes, it shall be mocked and criticized
but they shall never see the path it paves.

And as the world revolves
the day of Judgment imminently waits
for the heathens who He will dissolve
as they are locked out from heaven's gates.

And as we patiently wait for Christ's return
and His relentless saving grace
our faith will continue to thrive and burn
offering Him and the Lord God our thanks and praise.

written on the 26th of July 2010/23:36 PPST/Phnom Penh

'The Broken Suicidal Ode'

As I lay my soul to rest
watching the opaque night,
I drift unconsciously into the dark
where there seemed to be no hope.. no light.
Words were empty, like barren land,
conjuring an oasis in its midst
the world fading slowly;
as I take one last look at my bloodied wrist.

Images of my life
spontaneously flashed by
and I started hearing all the laughter...
all the shrieks and cries.
Everything my life was made of
and their twisting turns;
the agony brought upon itself
like the pain brought by thorns.

And as I lay my soul to rest
watching the opaque night,
I walk towards the gates of Pandemonium...
away from redemption.. away from the light.

written on the 28th of May 2010/00:31 PPST/Phnom Penh

'Memories in the Rain'

Leaves fell down as the gentle breeze made its way
the sun shining brightly as a summer's day in May
I sit adjacent to the window pane and reminisce
the fragments of the past;
never-ending memories of my life passes by as
if every painful scene was meant to last.

Broken pieces of a fragmented past slowly seeping in
races in life; of struggles, sacrifice, losses and wins
each and every frame of the past defines the years
the happiness felt... and all the tears.

The affairs of the heart, and its seemingly complicated turns;
the crucifying feeling of my heart broken... and its torturous burns.
I had lived my life for what felt more like eternity
the paths of life I chose may have been for the best: utter serendipity.

With age came wisdom, and in wisdom I thrived
as broken pieces of my life slowly coincides
I had lived to see the years that slowly went by
and witness its fruits and its echoing cries.

It is at present, that I slowly begin to spontaneously realize,
that life cannot be perfect; that even if you fall... you have to rise.
That life was never meant to be perfect in its way,
that you have to live and enjoy each frame of life, each and every day.

That maybe life had set its own set of paths to cross
and that on every end, there would always be a place for a loss
That maybe someday, again, when I sit adjacent to the window pane
I would learn to love the memories I had left out in the rain.

written on the 26th of January 2009/23:20 MST/Manila

'Angkor Wat'

I stand mesmerized... the beauty within its walls
coarse, ragged and asymmetrical pieces of rocks enthralls
centuries and centuries of affluent history echoes within its enormity
a witness to the blood and sweat that dripped from its imposed sovereignty.

As if awakened by the flash of my digital contraption,
sculpted beings commence breathing life etched in unyielding stone
Petrifying... like the raging waters of a raging river;
inciting fear and awe along with the message it delivers.

Of sacrifice and submission, that of grief and strife
the pure beauty of the creation of a peaceful life
of the generations that passed as time drifted past
for the memories were meant to forever last.

written on the 23rd of April 2010/05:07 PPST/Phnom Penh